New Years Resolutions
It’s another year around the sun and I must admit that I’m meeting this year with some seriously mixed emotions. This year felt like the most unproductively productive year I could imagine. It was full of pluses, such as a lot of traveling, experiencing new things, the most amazing month of Halloween imaginable, celebrity photo shoots, fashion weeks, etc. It was also riddled with a lot of failure like serious weight gain, my photography career screeching to a halt while I focused on my magazine, indecision on my future and career, the struggle to acclimate to my new city and, eventually, the end of Jute Magazine. A general feeling of ambivalence is what I’m left with at the end of 2018. I’d say the scales shifted to positive more in the end because I learned a lot about myself. I came to the realization that my magazine, which has been my constant companion and focus for the better part of five years now, was no longer healthy for me, nor did it feed my needs. I learned that my most important pursuit in life is travel and experiences. It might be even more important than my photography. I’m not sure on that front quite yet, but I know that the two things I want right now are to see the world and further my photography career (and dress well, while I’m at it.)
My weight gain is probably the most complicated subject of the year. On one hand I don’t hate myself heavier, mostly. I found this weight a very confusing space. With all the body positivity we’re achieving as a society, I started to feel very ok in my skin there for a moment (and sometimes even sexy), regardless of weight. But it’s fleeting, and I think that’s because I’m missing the health factor. Let’s review. I’ve spent almost the entirety of my life concerned with my weight, and almost always misplaced. It started around the age of 10 when I started to fill out. One of the neighborhood boys coined the term for me “Twinkie Mobile” and it really stuck for about a year until puberty really hit. Once I had boobs it stopped because, you know, boobs. I also had a grandmother very concerned with my weight and harping on it as a constant throughout my life and reminding me in my adult life what I once looked like at a size 2 and “prettier”, so I had these complexes growing up. Even at my smallest (from the age of 15 to 16 I was sitting between a size 2 and 4) I was still worried about my weight. I was shy about my stomach in a bikini and I never wore shorts. I think I’ve been on some approximation of a “diet” since I was 12. I mean, just ridiculous. And as I’ve gotten older and my body changed, I’ve had pockets of relative happiness with my body, but that’s about it. Now I’m sitting at the heaviest I’ve ever been. I feel like I’m having anxiety just saying the number, but I think that if I do, publicly to my followers, it will mean something more. I’m now sitting at 200 pounds. Never, ever have I been even close to this number. When I left Prague in August of 2017, I weighed 160. I lost about 10 pounds while living in Europe without changing a thing. Just food with less shit in it and probably a more active lifestyle with commuting via public transport. I gained 25 pounds in a year. Then, a friend of mine came to visit for a month and I added another 15 pounds. I wanted to show her the best of New York, which meant lots of eating and drinking. So, here I am: 18 months and +40lbs.
I’ve started a new journey with a trainer and I’m actually very happy thus far. I’ve lost 4 lbs in 6 weeks and about 8 inches in total. I know it doesn’t sound like a lot for that amount of time, but considering I managed to trend in the right direction despite PCOS and the holidays I’m going to call it a win. It feels different losing weight this time around and I think it’s because a) it’s gotten really serious for me and b) I’m doing it in a much more manageable way. I’m not doing a fad diet or even a diet at all. I’m not Keto, Paleo, Atkins, Weight Watchers, etc. I just try and make smart decisions and don’t beat myself up when I have a cookie. I try not to have them too often, but as long as I’m working out at least half the week then it’s progress. I’ve been to the gym a minimum of three times a week for the past 6 weeks, if not 4 or 5 (I’d love to make it to 6) and on days where I’m not with my trainer I settle for 30 minutes of cardio. It feels like I’m doing ok. Don’t get me wrong though: I’m fucking up…a lot. There are still nights where I’m meant to cook and end up ordering pizza or I skip the gym because I can’t be bothered, but I’m trending in the right direction and not letting that day I fucked up stop progress.
The whole point of this post is to really chat about my resolutions for 2019. Historically, New Years resolutions have just been something I said because I was supposed to. I’m going to eat healthier and focus on me and volunteer more and blah blah blah. It was something you say because as a people we like to lie to ourselves and place some false hope on a new year and slap a Band-Aid on our problems. Wow, that came out way more dismal than I intended. What I’m trying to say is that I want to put some real value on my resolutions this year and treat them like trackable goals. I started a bullet journal last month and I’ve loved the way it keeps me organized. It’s also cathartic to set aside some time to draw and write. Sometimes I worry that as a society we’re neglecting the written word. I so rarely even see my own handwriting these days. Anyway, it’s felt nice. So, I wanted to make a spread in my BuJo (bullet journal) for some goals. I needed them to be trackable, so I decided they had to be numbers with boxes I could check. Here is where I landed:
gain 10k followers on https://www.instagram.com/mrsandmrjudish/
book 20 new photography clients
complete 30 bucket list checks
lose 40 pounds
read 50 books
write 60 blog posts
Phew! It feels like a lot looking at those numbers, but I’m setting this shit high and aiming for netherworlds or something. Whatever. Let’s fucking do this, 2019.
And here is the time you chime in and comment your 2019 goals and endless support for me because I think I need it! I want to hear your goals as well and strategies as we hit this new year.
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14 Comments
Gary A Johnson
Mrs. Judish, you are one of the bravest artists I’ve ever known. Your ability to uncover the beauty–beyond the superficial–of others through Jute always astounded me, whereas It saddens me to know that you struggle with your own glamour. It’s a selfish reaction mostly: How can she struggle when she is everything I aspire to be! You are glamour but in the sincerest sense. You’ve never apologized, don’t start now. However, I admire the way you reach out to beautiful women like my wife. You assure them that beauty is not defined by a single lens, but that, in fact, that society and its many commercial lenses are out of focus. Your resolution should not be to lose anything but to continue to allow us to gain by living vicariously through your posts instead. Merry New Year Lynzi. Hope I get to meet you and Mr. Dave someday. I’d love nothing more than for my family to meet yours. Love and prayers for you always-Gary
Lynzi Judish
Gary, that really means so much to hear. All of it! And put very poetically, nonetheless. I think I did meet your wife once when I came by to yours to borrow your hat, right? Regardless, if you’re ever in NYC please let me know so we can have an adventure! Let’s all have a glamorous evening. 🙂
Joyce Goeppinger
I’m replying to you Gary for what you commented to Lynzi is what I would of wrote no doubt. Your comment touched me so much. I know Lynzi took it inside and will cherish it forever.
I love this lady Lynzi. I truly mean it. She has a way to make a mark on one’s life easily and honestly. I’m truly blessed to be able to know her.
Lynzi, in case your reading this comment, you do help heal my woes and inspire me to keep going forward instead of staying too long in a negative mindset.
So to both of you I reach out to. Thank you for this comment once more and let us look forward to 2019!
Enjoying reading this blog so very much. Keep writing Lynzi…I need you! Hugs!
Joyce
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Lynzi Judish
Joyce, I can never thank you enough for your kinds words. It means so much to know that my blog has a positive effect on someone and just make me want to blog more. I hope you are having a wonderful start to your 2019!
Rachel
As a person who hit 200 lbs a long time ago, this hits true to home. I’m comfortable with who I am, but I wish my health and overall well being was ‘in better shape’. I love that your resolutions are going to challenge you. They take planning, budgeting, discipline… everything a good resolution should have.
I want to take control of my financial health. Get myself out of debt so that I dont have to work constantly. Set a budget and stick to it…. no matter what.
Having extra cash will help with my dream to travel also. I don’t know what it is about this past year but my desire to go to Hawaii has exponentially increased. I will plan a trip there even if it isnt for 2019.
I need to organize my life. I have too much stuff. I’ve been slowly gaining control but it is such a slow process. I dont understand my resistance to being ‘material free’ when I know I’m happier with less belongings.
Finally, of course I want to lose weight…. but I’m not making that a resolution this year. It is a resolution every year and I always fail. I think that if I gain control of my life in the above aspects the extra weight will begin to fall off on its own. Emotional happiness has such an affect on weight gain and loss (always GAIN in my case) and I need to control my emotions before I can control the scale.
Best of luck starting your New Year! I cant wait to see how the blog blossoms.
Lynzi Judish
Ahh Rachel that is very well said. I think you’re right to focus on changing these things in your life that make it harder to live happily. I hope it changes perspective and makes it easier for the rest to fall in place.
I can give lots of organization suggestions! I’ve been slowly organizing every aspect of my life. If you compartmentalize into smaller jobs you’ll be surprised at how quickly you can start checking tasks off your list. Start somewhere small and almost silly, like buying an organizer for your sock drawer. You can organize, fold or roll everything nicely, throw away old or mismatched socks, etc. When you’re done and it’s all perfectly organized you’ll feel so accomplished and motivated and it will just get easier from there. You can pull out a drawer and do it while you watch TV. I recommend also getting a SockDock to fully check off item number one. 😀
Lura
I’m with you about wanting to travel more. I’ve been grounded for the last 6 months, and I don’t like it! Just a couple more months to go, though, and I’ll be free!
Just so you know, I don’t know a single adult woman who doesn’t struggle with her weight. I’ve done Slim4Life (now Slimgenics) 4 times and I’ve done the weight loss clinics with the B-12 shots. And take it from me – a little extra weight is a good thing, as you never know when you’re going to need to those extra reserves for a surprise surgery or something. Have you checked out the new app Noom? I’ve heard good things about how it helps change old habits without any kind of fad diets.
I know that you’ll do amazing things in the new year!
Lynzi Judish
We all could use some more travel in our lives! I’m so happy to hear that you should be done soon. I can’t believe how much strength you have shown throughout the chemo and hospital visits and everything under the sun. It’s so inspiring!
I’m actually using Noom and I’m a little unsure about it right now, but that might be because I haven’t fully explored it yet or what I can do with it. I’ll have to try it out a bit more. And if the fact that all women struggle with weight in someone isn’t a reflection of a need for a change in the way we think then I don’t know what is.
Happy New Year!
Marie-Christin
Hey Lynzi!
Just read your blog post and there wasn’t a single paragraph I wasn’t thinking “I can totally relate”. As another commenter already said: there isn’t a single woman out there who doesn’t think about her weight and what it means for her happiness. I think it’s a shame that this is what society made of us. We somehow associate the number on the scale or in the back or our dress with our self worth and that’s just unhealthy. I’m very proud of you for making the right decisions in 2018! Even though I’ll miss Jute I know that it was a step you had to take so you can focus on new things. Things that make you happy and if it’s blog posts like this one I so don’t mind because they make me happy too! Love you 😘 xoxo MC
Lynzi Judish
Marie-Christin, you are absolutely the best! And I totally agree. Even though it’s not technically a resolution for me this year, I want to improve the way I feel about myself this year. Hopefully feeling healthy will help to do that. I wonder if in some future in the US women will not longer concern themselves with these things. I wonder how far away that is. 🙂
Marlo
Lynzi, I love reading your blogs, in fact that’s all I’ve been doing since I got to work today….oops! I can’t wait to see what this year has in store for you and I can’t wait to follow along. My New Years resolution is to start blogging again! Do you use WordPress?
Lynzi Judish
Ha ha ha! Ahhh that makes me so happy to hear. It’s good to know I have a few people reading. Pfft. You should definitely start blogging again. I loved reading about your modeling travels in South Korea. I am indeed using WordPress. In my opinion, it’s both the easiest and best for SEO purposes. 🙂
Victoria
I wish you the best of luck Lynzi! Have faith and all will go well! I share many of the same goals as you and I know we will conquer them! Excited to follow your blog. Happy 2019!
Lynzi Judish
Thank you so much and happy New Year! 😀