It’s another year around the sun and I must admit that I’m meeting this year with some seriously mixed emotions. This year felt like the most unproductively productive year I could imagine. It was full of pluses, such as a lot of traveling, experiencing new things, the most amazing month of Halloween imaginable, celebrity photo shoots, fashion weeks, etc. It was also riddled with a lot of failure like serious weight gain, my photography career screeching to a halt while I focused on my magazine, indecision on my future and career, the struggle to acclimate to my new city and, eventually, the end of Jute Magazine. A general feeling of ambivalence is what I’m left with at the end of 2018. I’d say the scales shifted to positive more in the end because I learned a lot about myself. I came to the realization that my magazine, which has been my constant companion and focus for the better part of five years now, was no longer healthy for me, nor did it feed my needs. I learned that my most important pursuit in life is travel and experiences. It might be even more important than my photography. I’m not sure on that front quite yet, but I know that the two things I want right now are to see the world and further my photography career (and dress well, while I’m at it.)
My weight gain is probably the most complicated subject of the year. On one hand I don’t hate myself heavier, mostly. I found this weight a very confusing space. With all the body positivity we’re achieving as a society, I started to feel very ok in my skin there for a moment (and sometimes even sexy), regardless of weight. But it’s fleeting, and I think that’s because I’m missing the health factor. Let’s review. I’ve spent almost the entirety of my life concerned with my weight, and almost always misplaced. It started around the age of 10 when I started to fill out. One of the neighborhood boys coined the term for me “Twinkie Mobile” and it really stuck for about a year until puberty really hit. Once I had boobs it stopped because, you know, boobs. I also had a grandmother very concerned with my weight and harping on it as a constant throughout my life and reminding me in my adult life what I once looked like at a size 2 and “prettier”, so I had these complexes growing up. Even at my smallest (from the age of 15 to 16 I was sitting between a size 2 and 4) I was still worried about my weight. I was shy about my stomach in a bikini and I never wore shorts. I think I’ve been on some approximation of a “diet” since I was 12. I mean, just ridiculous. And as I’ve gotten older and my body changed, I’ve had pockets of relative happiness with my body, but that’s about it. Now I’m sitting at the heaviest I’ve ever been. I feel like I’m having anxiety just saying the number, but I think that if I do, publicly to my followers, it will mean something more. I’m now sitting at 200 pounds. Never, ever have I been even close to this number. When I left Prague in August of 2017, I weighed 160. I lost about 10 pounds while living in Europe without changing a thing. Just food with less shit in it and probably a more active lifestyle with commuting via public transport. I gained 25 pounds in a year. Then, a friend of mine came to visit for a month and I added another 15 pounds. I wanted to show her the best of New York, which meant lots of eating and drinking. So, here I am: 18 months and +40lbs.
I’ve started a new journey with a trainer and I’m actually very happy thus far. I’ve lost 4 lbs in 6 weeks and about 8 inches in total. I know it doesn’t sound like a lot for that amount of time, but considering I managed to trend in the right direction despite PCOS and the holidays I’m going to call it a win. It feels different losing weight this time around and I think it’s because a) it’s gotten really serious for me and b) I’m doing it in a much more manageable way. I’m not doing a fad diet or even a diet at all. I’m not Keto, Paleo, Atkins, Weight Watchers, etc. I just try and make smart decisions and don’t beat myself up when I have a cookie. I try not to have them too often, but as long as I’m working out at least half the week then it’s progress. I’ve been to the gym a minimum of three times a week for the past 6 weeks, if not 4 or 5 (I’d love to make it to 6) and on days where I’m not with my trainer I settle for 30 minutes of cardio. It feels like I’m doing ok. Don’t get me wrong though: I’m fucking up…a lot. There are still nights where I’m meant to cook and end up ordering pizza or I skip the gym because I can’t be bothered, but I’m trending in the right direction and not letting that day I fucked up stop progress.
The whole point of this post is to really chat about my resolutions for 2019. Historically, New Years resolutions have just been something I said because I was supposed to. I’m going to eat healthier and focus on me and volunteer more and blah blah blah. It was something you say because as a people we like to lie to ourselves and place some false hope on a new year and slap a Band-Aid on our problems. Wow, that came out way more dismal than I intended. What I’m trying to say is that I want to put some real value on my resolutions this year and treat them like trackable goals. I started a bullet journal last month and I’ve loved the way it keeps me organized. It’s also cathartic to set aside some time to draw and write. Sometimes I worry that as a society we’re neglecting the written word. I so rarely even see my own handwriting these days. Anyway, it’s felt nice. So, I wanted to make a spread in my BuJo (bullet journal) for some goals. I needed them to be trackable, so I decided they had to be numbers with boxes I could check. Here is where I landed:
gain 10k followers on https://www.instagram.com/mrsandmrjudish/
book 20 new photography clients
complete 30 bucket list checks
lose 40 pounds
read 50 books
write 60 blog posts
Phew! It feels like a lot looking at those numbers, but I’m setting this shit high and aiming for netherworlds or something. Whatever. Let’s fucking do this, 2019.
And here is the time you chime in and comment your 2019 goals and endless support for me because I think I need it! I want to hear your goals as well and strategies as we hit this new year.