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Beauty,  Fashion

Press-ons have improved since the 90s.

Press-on nails: the final frontier

These are the voyages of our star-studded cuticles.

To continue our mission to adore our manicured hands.

To seek out new styles and crystal gel.

To boldly vogue like no gal has vogued before.

Brownie points for anyone who got that reference and still thinks I’m cool.

Evidently I’ve been living under a god damned rock because I had zero clue about press-on nails. I have no idea how this happened. I was watching Rupaul’s Drag Race last night and it dawned on me that drag queens have been clued in for ages. THEIR NAILS CHANGE FOR EVERY OUTFIT. I’ve been living a lie. My friend Vandy Sexton, the flyest Queen I know, is probably laughing her ass off somewhere saying “bitch you blind?!” Yeah, blind and dense because the truth has been right under my nose.

About two months ago I was perusing Amazon, like a cheap gal does who’s in desperate need of a style face lift on a budget, and I stumbled upon the cutest glitter nails that also happened to be stupid cheap. I bought them, of course, but I had low expectations. You see, I grew up in the 90s and I remember press-on nails. The words cheap, plastic, ill-fitting and frustration come to mind. They were basically made to last for an hour. Maybe long enough to scribble in a notebook with a pink fuzzy pen and eyeball your crush in 5th period algebra. Maybe long enough to dress up as Sharon Costanzo or Gwen Stefani and have an impromptu photo shoot with your Polaroid I-zone. Maybe just long enough to play one round of Mall Madness or Girl Talk. Guaranteed your press-ons won’t make it through applying all those zit stickers. Try me.

They used to be shit. But now? Hot diggity damn! They’ve come a fucking long way. I mean, they look hella legit and the glue provided in those packets has some staying power. Bonus points if you buy some better quality nail glue because I’ve learned that will just elevate your press-on game. I’ve tried a few sets now and they’ve all lasted at minimum four days before one nail pops off, but all you do is reapply glue and boom! All is well again in the world. If you lose a nail, there are extras, so use one of those. I made my first set last me an entire month. That’s like a $9 manicure. Not to mention the damage to your nails is literally non-existent.

Look, I just needed ya’ll to know this in case you’ve been in the press-on witness protection program since you were young enough to go to a bowling alley lock-in without looking like a predator.

I’ve linked an ass-ton of adorbs styles from Amazon that you can try, too. 😉

Ooooo and there’s also this world where people custom make these and they’re supposed to last forever or some shit. I’m still doing the math on what happens if you lose one. I’m linking my favorites I  found on Etsy, but I’ll have to report back on my findings after testing this route. Hypothesis: dope looking nails, but max anxiety about losing one. If you know the trick to this puzzle, tell me in the comments.

You can shop some of the items in my post below:

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